Random Thoughts: Season two
by Kizmet
Summary: POV pieces from various character during the second season of Angel. I decided to consolidate a few things
1. Crosses to Bear: Angel: Dear Boy

**Crosses to Bear**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

Angel shut the door between himself and his co-workers, his friends really. Blocking out Wesley and Cordelia's concerned, caring, fearful expressions. Shutting out the sight of the tranquilizer gun held awkwardly in Wesley's hands and Cordelia's guilty smile. He was surprised she hadn't brought a cross. 

Crosses worked so well, at least on him. Darla had held hers easily, pressed it to his chest letting it burn him. Her words rang in his mind, "It doesn't matter how good a boy you are, God still doesn't want you." 

Angel picked up the cross; he'd brought it back from the cloister with him. As always it burned, smoke rose from his hands as the flesh reddened then blistered. Angel ran his fingers deliberately over the cross, not flinching from the pain, it was a welcome distraction. 

In some ways Darla knew him so well, better than anyone else living or unloving, better than Cordelia or Drucilla or even Buffy. She knew all three of his incarnations: Liam, Angelus and even a bit of Angel. She had known that her ability to touch the cross without pain would hurt him, anger him. 

How could it not? Darla had been everything that he had been, a vampire, a soulless killer, his co-plotter in many of his most notorious crimes. Now they were both souled, he had to believe that she would come to regret her actions, nothing souled could look at their past without horror. 

But she was human and he wasn't. She could be forgiven even before she asked and he was not. The cross burned him and not her. She could walk in sunlight, take a lover, have children, have a life, he couldn't. Maybe someday, if he survived, if he did enough, he could have that. Meanwhile, Buffy was moving on, falling in love with blond, all-American, soldier types, learning to hate him. 

Darla knew that her words would hurt on more than one level, knew they would bring to mind another Father who hadn't wanted him. Who he had tried to please in every way he could think of, but who he had always failed. He remembered trying to be good, but never being good enough. He remembered being everything his father had ever said he was and still not pleasing him. 

He remembered a mother who barely seemed to matter and a younger sister who he had loved dearly because she wasn't what their father wanted either. He remembered killing his sister for her love and trust in him, killing her even as she named him an angel. 

Those were things only Darla knew, but Darla didn't know Angel as well as she thought she did. 

She thought he could loose his soul in her, when her touch reminded him only of darkness and depravity. He might crave it, crave any touch at all in the self-imposed prison of distance he lived in, but he would loose his soul to her. 

She thought it would be a revelation that the darkness, which had made Angelus the scourge of Europe, had always been a part of him and not something she had given him. He knew that, it was had always been with him. Liam's loneliness, his hopeless yearning to be loved, something only Kathy could manage, and only because she needed his love as much as he needed hers, that unhappiness turned against the world was Angelus' darkness. 

Angelus hated and feared love far more than any Slayer. Even Spike and Dru's twisted version of the emotion had been intolerable to him. 

When the Kalderash had returned his soul there had been nothing left but self-loathing and apathy. Whistler had forced him to let it go, he never would have survived Sunnydale with that darkness still clasped to him. Xander's first sarcastic crack would have driven him away, or the look on Buffy's face when she realized what he was. He would have crumpled at the first set back believing he could only make things worse. Retreated under the guise of hurt anger rather than risk failing, like he had done with Judy. 

He knew the darkness was still there, still waiting to claim and consume him, but he had reached beyond it and found hope. Some days, like today, hope was hard to hold to, but he knew it was there and he wouldn't give in to Darla's machinations. 

With renewed determination Angel set aside the cross, no he couldn't touch it today and Darla could, but he had chosen to earn his redemption. Twice he had passed by shortcuts to the sunlit future he wanted, he wouldn't mourn now because of Darla. He wasn't that weak, not anymore. 

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	2. Heart: Cordy: Anniversary of Doyle's dea...

**Heart**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

It's been one year today, one year since Doyle died to save us. I still miss him, even if I don't talk about him anymore. Angel does too; he's the reason I don't talk about Doyle. I though talking would help and it did, for a little while. But Angel doesn't deal well with death. Which I used to think was strange since he is dead and all, but vampire dead is about as far from dead-dead as you can get. See dying, the ceasing to exist kind, is just a part of being human, everyone does it someday. Vampires may be dead, but unless something happens they're always going to be around. Angel and spike could, conceivably, bump into each other in another hundred years or so and go right back to fighting like always. But Doyle's gone forever, even if Angel can't stand to think about that, or talk about it. So we don't talk about Doyle anymore, even though we miss him and even though he's the reason we're friends now. 

Doyle was what we had in common. We both came to LA with walls around our hearts a dozen feet thick and twice as high, and Doyle got to both of us. Doyle was the first friend Angel had had in a long time, and I fell in love with him. 

Me, in love with Doyle, despite his drinking, his clothes and his complete lack of social status, he made me see past that. He was a good person, brave and caring, with bright, oh-so-blue eyes and a smile that could warm anyone's heart. Doyle broke through my defensive and I found that my heart wasn't nearly as hard as I liked to pretend it was. The gap he left in my walls let Angel in, and eventually Wesley and Gunn as well. My friends, my family, I wouldn't have them if not for Doyle, I'd still be all alone, behind the walls I built. 

Doyle opened a crack in my defenses, but he did a more thorough job on Angel's. He shattered Angel's walls all together. I can still protect my heart, Angel doesn't. He gives it to every person that walks through our door, even those who don't deserve it, such as a certain formerly undead, blond bitch who shall remain nameless. 

She's going to hurt him. I know it. She wants Angel, she wants his every thought and every feeling to be hers, and when she's done with him she'll leave his heart shattered… Sort of like another blond I could name. 

It's kind of ironic, I guess, comparing the Slayer to a vampire, but if the shoe fits… And when it comes to how they feel about Angel it definitely fits. Neither one's real big on sharing. Witness Buffy's reaction to Faith or how Darla can hardly seem to say his name without adding a possessive. 

Buffy got to Angel, like Doyle got to me, only where Doyle left my heart open, Buffy posted a guard on the door she'd opened to Angel's heart. That was her way in and no one else's. 

It's been good for him to be away from Buffy. Without her around, Angel is free to make friends, to care about people in general not just her. I like the Angel I got to know in LA, but I worry about him. I worry about what he's going to let Darla do to him because of their history and because she's got problems. I worry about what Buffy can do to him, with her new life and her perfect new boyfriend. At least Angel finally told Kate off. One blond bitch down, two to go. 

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	3. Not Every Soul: Wes: Darla

**Not Every Soul**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

"And this would be the same woman that you didn't notice was in your bedroom, every night, for like three weeks straight?" 

I wince, even for Cordelia that was tactless. I know she cares for Angel so I have to believe that the implications of Darla's actions haven't occurred to her yet. 

I'd say something to her, except I'm not sure that Angel would appreciate it and he's the one I'm worried about. 

After confronting Darla and finding out that his dreams were more than just dreams Angel finally admitted that something was wrong with him, that his sleep patterns of late were anything but natural. It shouldn't have been possible for Angel to have slept through Darla's visits; vampires are notoriously light sleepers, as many an unfortunate would-be vampire hunter has learned. 

First we checked for spells, when that didn't pan-out I checked him for evidence that she'd drugged him. Darla hadn't been sparing in her use of Calynthia powder, Angel's blood was very nearly saturated with the stuff. Thankfully there are ways around the worst of with-drawl for a vampire. We drained his blood and with it most of the toxins Darla had introduced into his system. 

Now, Angel's problems with Darla are based on their history rather than on chemicals. All right, that's not a comforting thought after all. Angel's current obsession with her can't be cured by a simple transfusion. 

Their history is long and involved; there won't be a simple way out of this. Darla made Angel. Between typical vampires that would mean she owned him, but Angelus' family was hardly a normal one, even by a vampire's standards. Legend has it he persuaded Darla to choose him over her own sire before he was even a decade old. 

As a Watcher I had been taught that vampires interacted with one another in a manner reminiscent of wolves, that within a group there was always a distinct pack order. A fledgling shouldn't have been able to challenge an ancient Master and walk away but Angelus did it. 

I suppose that Angelus' little group could be considered the exception that proves the rule. Angelus not only challenged the Master, he took Darla from her Sire and usurped much of her control of him, becoming the head of a pack, which included his sire. Angelus' relationship with Drucillia was much closer to the norm, but even with her there were oddities, Spike primarily. Angelus' not only permitted her to make her own child, but allowed that child to become a rival for Drucillia's affections. 

To put it succinctly, the foursome weren't your usual vampires. Rather than the normal pack structure or Sire-Child pairs they were closer to equals, lovers, partners in the hunt and in mayhem. Between them it wasn't simply the play of Dominance and submission, it was much more complicated, strangely enough, more human. 

Angel and Darla's lives were entwined for a hundred and fifty years. And from what Angel has said even his curse couldn't cause a clean break between them. After regaining his soul, he still turned to her for help. I can only assume he didn't receive it since the Watcher's diaries report Angelus arrived in this country alone. 

Then, of course, the ultimate complication in their relationship occurred four years ago when Angel killed Darla for Buffy. It's not a situation that many people or vampires for that matter can claim to have experience in dealing with. But Wolfram and Hart brought Darla back, as a human, and of all the ways Angel could have reacted to this development he had to start identifying with her. 

She drugged him; for all intents and purposes raped him on more than one occasion and Angel decides he wants to save her. To be there for her, like he wishes someone had been there for him. Only Darla doesn't seem to be reacting to having a soul again like Angel did, she's still a remorseless killer. But what do I know? Maybe Angel didn't stop killing or start feeling bad about his past right away. Cordelia seemed insulted when Angel referred to himself as being alone, but it was the truth for a very long time. When he arrived in Sunnydale, Angel had already had a soul for a century. He learned to deal with that alone, the fact that he has friends now doesn't change that he went through that alone. That's what he wants to protect Darla from. 

Angel thinks he can save her from that, maybe he's right. He was right about Faith, I thought she was beyond help, but Angel got her on the path to redemption. Perhaps he's right about Darla as well. I hope he's right, but I have a bad feeling about this. Angel's getting too involved in this, he's lost all perspective. He's invested too much of himself in saving Darla. 

Some people can't be saved because they don't want to be saved. I've seen no indications that Darla wants redemption, because of that Angel will fail. I'm afraid of what that will do to him. 

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	4. After Thoughts: Darla: The Trial

**After Thoughts**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

I watch Drucillia and her thugs carry my body away. I start after them then stop. It doesn't concern me anymore. Well, I was dying anyway now wasn't I? 

Still I would have liked to spend more time with my Angel… Angel! He's still lying on the floor where they left him. I've never seen him look so horrified. Oh my poor boy, you never could stand to be helpless and you so hated failure. I wish I could talk to you Angel, I wish I could tell you that you didn't fail. 

You didn't have to save my life Angel, just my soul. No one could have saved my life; choices I made more than four hundred years ago cost me my life. I didn't think anyone could reach my soul either, but you did. 

You cared about me didn't you Angel. Maybe you didn't love me, but you cared, more than you cared about yourself. No one's ever done that before. No one has ever put my well being above anything, let alone their own life. I guess that means more than having you love me. 

I wish you did though. Oh Angel, I've loved you for centuries. You may need a soul to love, but I don't. I've loved you ever since I chose you over my Master. He loved me; I was his Dear One, his Darla. I've been her for so long I can't even remember who I was before that. But I chose you, my arrogant, beautiful boy, I chose you. 

And you never loved me, but you would have died for me. I wish I knew why. I was going to ask you that, but I didn't get the chance. Did you do it because it was the right thing to do? Quite frankly I don't see the logic in that, maybe you do. You're a good person Angel. I didn't believe they existed. You gave me back my faith in humanity. 

You made me feel safe, protected, cared for. You took away my anger. I've been angry for so long my Angel. Angry with God, he never helped me. Angry with my family, they didn't care about me, not like they were supposed to. Angry with the men who used me, they gave me the disease that was killing me. Angry at myself… 

I'm sure you understood that, my Angel. You were born in anger as well, Angelus. The world hurt us in life so we made it scream in death. 

You let go of your anger, your pain. Somehow you healed from the wounds life had dealt you after you left me. And then you helped me to take the first steps toward doing the same. 

You did more for me than anyone has in my entire existence, don't feel bad for what you couldn't do Angel. 

I'd like to tell you that the vampire who will rise won't be me. That's what they tell the Slayers isn't it, that it's just a demon-animated corpse and not the person it was before. Even your little cheerleader doesn't understand what it is that she kills. We know though, the vampire comes from the human. The demon replaces your soul, but your mind, your body; they're still the same. Your compassion is gone, but your passions remain. You didn't exterminate the people of Galway because they were convenient did you Angelus? You did it because they hurt him, that boy who would become the Scourge of Europe. I don't remember his name, but don't feel slighted; I've forgotten the name of the girl I used to be as well. Still her life shaped me, her fears, her hopes, her loves, her disappointments, they're all a part of me, just as the vampire is a part of me, and I'll be a part of the new vampire who will soon rise. 

Our memories make us who we are and those remain. When the gypsies returned your soul you didn't go back to being that boy, didn't even take his name back. May you just didn't remember it, or maybe you realized that what you'd done changed you too much for you to ever go back. Without Angelus the boy couldn't have become Angel, I understand that, but does your Slayer? 

When my body rises as a vampire again she'll hold all my memories. She's born of me, all that's left of me, but you'll still have to kill her. I hope you can my Angel, because she'll hurt you and I don't want you hurt. 

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	5. The Stars Laugh: Dru: Reunion

**The Stars Laugh**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

"Miss Edith we must have a most serious conversation," I say sitting Miss Edith on the bed and lowering myself to her eye-level. "There is a new baby in the family, so I shant have much time for you, for I fear she shall be most naughty. It's Grandmum, and you know how she is." 

"Oh Miss Edith," I sigh. "It's all most confusing. Even the moon is in a dither. Grandmum is to be my new baby. The world is so changeable. My knight has a pretend jiminy cricket. My daddy is gone, then returned, then gone again and now he's back but not. And I'm Grandmother's mommy, it makes one's head spin." 

"But chaos is such a lovely thing, it makes the world match the pictures in my head." 

"Curious little creature run about in such odd clothes. The wizards of old always wore more colors, they adorned themselves with the moon and stars, as was wise, for the heavenly bodies know the truths. These lawyer-creatures pay no mind to such omens. They will regret their oversight." 

"For the stars are laughing. The Wolfram and Hart-creatures think they control the world. Such foolishness. They wish to bring forth my daddy to do their bidding, yet they can't even comprehend what the Angel-beast is capable of, let alone what my daddy is." 

"They see themselves as puppet-masters, pulling strings and making us dance, but my Angelus is no one's toy and neither am I, as they shall learn, to their dismay." 

"Grandmother-baby is exceedingly hungry and they've arranged a party. I always love a party." 

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	6. Wanting You: Lindsey: Reunion

**Wanting You**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

I feel your fangs sink into my flesh and it hurts. I didn't expect it to hurt. I remember when you bit me before, dull human teeth bruising the sensitive skin beneath my jaw, seeking blood. 

"That's how vampires get what they want." Am I what you want Darla? I want to be that. 

I remember when I brought you back. I did that you know. I made you. I know what Pygmalion felt when Galatea came to life, of course he loved her, he made her. It's what you feel for Angel isn't it, he's yours. I could be yours as well. You could turn me. I brought you back from Hell, found a way to rid you of that soul you hated, made you eternal again, loved you. I'd never leave you, not like him. 

Angel failed you, Darla; he's not worthy of you. Turn me; I'll be everything you could ever want. 

I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. You were so confused, so lost, but so powerful, the thing that would destroy our boy-scout vampire. You liked Chopin and Brahms; you were so new to the world. You'd lived for 400 years, but you'd forgotten so much. 

You didn't care for the sunlight though; it only reminded you of what you'd lost. You were human for months, in LA no less, and you never got the slightest tan. I gave you back the night. I'd give you anything. I'm not like those others; I care about what you want. Remember, I didn't kiss you until you gave me permission. 

You're so beautiful and so new. You're right; you aren't what you were before. I brought you back as something altogether new. You're mine, my creation. 

You said it wasn't you I wanted to screw, well you were right and you were wrong. Angel has nothing to do with what I feel for you and I don't just want to screw you, I want it to mean something. 

Then you bit me, it hurt that time too, but I didn't care. I don't care, what you are, who you are. Darla or that girl or something else completely, you're just you and I want you. I want to be what you need. 

I saved you, from my employers, from the disease; all I want in return is the chance to love you. 

I don't care what you are, I don't care what you make me, just give me a chance to hold you Darla. Please… 

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	7. Control: Angel: Reunion

**Control**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

The Hyperion is silent, empty, still, peaceful. Wesley, Cordelia and Gunn, all gone, fired. I flinch; I shouldn't have done that. They're my friends. Along with Doyle the best friends I've ever had. Still I had to make them leave, I just couldn't sit there and listen to them go on and on about those damn lawyers. What happened to them was their own fault. I just let them reap the harvest they'd sown. 

I should have explained that to the others, but I could feel the rage building again. It wasn't safe for them to be here, not if they were going to be confrontational. 

This last month, since Darla's little games started, it's been like living in a whirlwind, everything out of my control and getting worse. 

Darla's visits must have involved more than just sex. I can't imagine that I wouldn't have woken-up if she'd just been playing around with my body. Whatever she did to me left me so tired. I slept for days and I still woke up tired. Of course sleeping and resting are hardly synonymous, especially not with Darla having access to my room. When I was actually awake I could focus properly, either my attention wandered or zeroed in on one thing to the exclusion of all else. I can't figure out what it was Darla did, but it's not going away and I don't want to talk to Cordelia or Wesley about it again. I've had enough of being yelled at for not taking precautions to keep my Sire, who died almost four years ago, from having sex with me, it wasn't exactly my choice. 

Beyond that I'm sick and tired of Wesley and Cordelia's constant squabbling. Last year I could shrug it off, now it's hard to pretend to be normal, not to over react when all I want to do is take them both by the neck and shake them till they shut up. 

On the case, it's becoming too dangerous to have them with me. I can't watch out for them. During the fight in the old convent, I forgot everything except that one guy I was pounding into the floor. I finally had someone I could get angry at and I couldn't get enough of it. If Gunn hadn't of been there we would have lost the fight, Wesley and Cordelia could have been hurt, because I wasn't doing my job. 

I thought it would all go away after I confronted Darla, because she wouldn't be invading my dreams anymore. Without her interference I should have been able to sleep again, which should have fixed the other problems, the anger and obsession, except it didn't. If anything it's worse, because I've got the energy to act on my feelings. I need to lash out at something, but I don't know what. I'm so angry, all the time, but there's nothing to be angry at. It feels like having a pressure bomb inside my skull, anything could set it off. 

And I'm still loosing perspective. I must have drawn Darla several dozen times that night and I never noticed, not till Wesley pointed it out. It had to have taken me hours and I never noticed. Hours gone, like they'd never existed, Wesley standing there, ankle deep in crumpled paper, trying so delicately to be helpful. Which makes it damn hard to say that I don't want to talk about how I feel about my Sire with a Watcher, not even Wesley, especially not Wesley. 

Wesley, my friend Wesley, is not comfortable with vampire. None of them are, despite Cordelia's new habit of offering me blood as my beverage of choice. They probably just don't think about what I am. Which would make for a very interesting discussion if I actually decided to come clean and tell them about Darla and I's relationship. 

They had a hard enough time dealing with the killing dreams I shared with Penn. 

Besides, what good would it do? I don't even know what I feel about Darla, my Sire, my lover, the first person to look at me with pride, the last as well. The first vampire I ever killed, well not counting the minion that got on my nerves before the curse, brought back as a mortal. Now she's my lover again, though not by my choice. 

Her soul returned, just like mine, confused, alone but not alone because I've already been there. How could I not help her? She had a second chance, except it was flawed, like my second chance. Both of us were given back our souls, but unable to truly live. She was given the opportunity to die of illness; I was given a curse that could, unfortunately, be broken. 

Malicious, stupid lawyers, as incompetent as the damned Rom. Goddamn them, like they damned me, like Darla damned me, like the Master and Dru have damned her. 

No, I can't do this; it's no good to hate people a hundred years dead. I can't do anything about them. But Darla can do something to Wolfram and Hart; it's only her right to lash out at those who held at hope to her only to snatch it away. 

Wolfram and Hart thought we were their pawns, thought they could use us, manipulate us, well I guess Dru and Darla showed them otherwise. Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn are mad because I didn't stop them, how would my friends feel if they ever realized it took every ounce of will power I possess not to join the girl in the fun. 

It would have been such a release to just give in. It was just Wolfram and Hart employees. They're what I'm fighting against anyway, would it have been so bad if I'd helped Dru and Darla slaughter them? 

I hope they're all dead; maybe then I'll be able to get my life back. 

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	8. Pyrric Victory: Gunn: Redefinition

**Pyrrhic Victory**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

I didn't think it would hurt, this being fired thing. Sure it tore up Cordy and Wes, but they were old guard, knew Angel since back when. Me, I just got here and, damn, he's a vampire, why should I care if he self-destructs. 

Except I like the guy, or I did like Angel. I liked the guy who stood there with a crossbow bolt through his hand and an annoyed expression on his face while he explained our mistake to about a dozen armed, scared kids who'd been forced to become demon hunters. It took guts to do that. I liked guy who checked on me after Alora and managed not to say anything stupid. I liked the guy who was ready to do whatever it took to protect his friends. 

The Angel I got to know had his priorities straight: first you protect the innocent then you worry about taking out the bad guys. I didn't used to see that, Alora knew it though. She warned me, I was more caught up in killing than protecting, and that was gonna lead to trouble. It took her death to make me listen to what she'd been saying. Angel used to get that; he let that nest of vamps walk because it was more important that my people got out alive. Now I wonder what he'd do if we were in that situation again. Angel had good friends to fight beside and a worthwhile cause to fight for; I thought he had it all together. 

Then this Darla chick came along. At first I could follow, he wanted to help her. That was our Angel. Maybe he went over the top, but I got that too; she'd been his lover for what, a hundred and fifty years? It would of bugged me more if she hadn't meant anything to him. 

So I helped find her for him. Darla's his blood and you've got a duty to protect your family, even when they don't want you to, even from themselves. 

I don't get him now. Angel's lost his perspective. He isn't protecting anyone now; he's going for vengeance. He's acting out of anger not reason. I thought he knew better than that. 

We could help him find his way back to his purpose, if he'd let us. Cordy and Wes are more than just friends to him, they're family of the heart if not the blood. And I understand why he's doing this, at least in part. I don't really know how them all being vampires changes things, but I can see that killing either Darla or Drucillia means killing family to Angel. Just because it's necessary doesn't make it right, if you'd done it right the killing wouldn't be needed. Who cares if you did everything you could, facts don't change how you feel. 

Plus Angel's got more problems than just the emotional, there's two of them, working as a team, and they're experienced. He's gonna have to fight them for the kill, they know better than to trust his feelings for them to stay his hand. 

From what I know of vamps any two of the three of them would be fairly matched in a fight. If Angel's feelings make him hesitate he'll be the one to end up dust. 

No part of killing those two is going to be easy for Angel, but that ain't what he's meant to do either. They aren't what Cordy's visions are aiming him at. He sees dealing with them as his duty; he needs to clean up what he sees as his mistakes, his failures. I understand why he thinks he has to but Angel's gonna give up his mission to kill those two and maybe a whole bunch of dealing-with-the-devil-lawyers, but when that's done and they're all gone he'll have nothing. No friends, no goals, no future, no sense of self. In the end he'll have nothing but ashes. 

Notes: Pyrrhic Victory - Winning but at such a high cost that you might as well have lost. 

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	9. Irrevocable: Angel: TDL

**Irrevocable**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

"We don't need you!" The words echo through the dead stillness filling the old hotel. Three more ghosts to keep me company. Not real ghosts, they'd be better company, look at Dennis, just regrets. 

I thought I was doing the right thing by sending them away. I thought they'd be better off without me in their lives. I didn't think they'd hate me for it. I thought I was doing what I had to by going to war with Wolfram and Hart. The Catalis' Host made me question that decision. Merle made me worry about my former employees and friends. 

So I lurked, saw what they were up to. I knew they wouldn't walk away from the demon police problem, so I helped, but I kept my distance too, and Wesley got shot, my fault. Yet another of my bad decisions. Sometimes I think I've done nothing but make the wrong choice for the last 247 years… No, that's letting myself off easy, there were twenty-six more years of mistakes while I was still human. 

I used to like to delude myself about that, tried to blame it all on the demon. The First showed me the truth; Liam wasn't the mass murder that I became, but he was nothing to be proud of either. As far as humans go he probably would have done more good if he'd been drowned at birth. It would have spared the world his mistakes. It would have spared the world Angelus' presence. 

I know I'll never begin to make up for what I did as Angelus, but trying is the only right thing to do, and the possibility I'm doing something worthwhile for the first time in my life is the only thing that keeps me from greeting the sun on too many mornings to count. That's what I was trying to tell Faith. You can't ever go back, your victims will always haunt your memories, the taint of darkness never goes away, but in trying to make amends it is possible to find a little comfort. 

I forgot that for a time, I saw Wesley's prophecy and I hoped, for the first time in so long, that I could make up for my past. That some how it was possible to do enough to erase all the evil that I'd done. I forgot what I'd always known, and I forgot that hope is the most destructive emotion of all. It makes you fly without wings, and inevitably you crash. 

Afterwards the pain of reality is that much worse, and sometimes it hurts so bad you'll do anything to end it. Even take comfort from what you know is a lie. Darla... those dreams... it felt good to have someone touch me, to have her praise. I've always craved praise like a drug. I knew it wasn't real, but it was so much easier than reality. 

Reality was Darla was alive and human and going to have to face exactly what I faced when the Rom returned my soul. I thought I could be there for her, like she wasn't there for me. I almost saved her, except almost doesn't count. 

Failing hurts, watching the good you tried to do go up in smoke, it kills you little by little. Each failure brings more regrets, yet another voice added to the full chorus already screaming in my head. In my line of work, failure usually means bodies, more deaths on my conscious, just what I always needed. I know I go a little over the edge trying to atone for failures that can never be corrected, but what other choice do I have? Killing the killers of those I've failed to protect seems to appease their ghosts at least to a degree. I wish they'd leave me in peace, but I've earned them, each and every one. My choices made them and once made a choice can never be unmade. 

I chose to ignore my father's warnings that if I went looking for trouble I'd find it. As Angelus, I chose to strive to be the most vicious vampire to ever walk this earth. I chose to ignore all common sense and allowed Buffy and I's feelings to develop into a relationship. I chose to make love to her. I chose to encourage Doyle to fight with me. I chose to avenge Darla. I chose to shut my friends out of my life. I can't undo a single one of my choices. All I, and the world, can do is live with the consequences of them. 

I thought, maybe this once, that the choice wasn't irrevocable. Wesley hadn't died because I chose to stay in the shadows. I had that at least. 

Standing in that hospital corridor, watching Gunn and Wesley talk, I felt better than I have since Darla was turned… No, since Darla came back into my life. Even as I dreaded walking into that room and facing the possibility of rejection, the knowledge that my misjudgment hadn't cost any of my friends their lives was a balm to my soul. 

I don't know if I ever would have managed to find the courage to walk into that room and face the people I let down, but it turned out I didn't have to. Cordelia saw me and I didn't even have to ask, I didn't have to say a single thing, she answered every question I had. Even though Wesley hadn't died I was still too late to save the friendships I'd once had. Once more my choice was set in stone, I can never go back to what I had. 

They don't need me. They don't want me. 

I've stripped my life of everything that ever gave it meaning to seek the chance for vengeance. It's time I took it. It hardly matters whether I'm ready or not. I've got nothing else left. I'll go and I'll fight, I'll try to kill the demon that reclaimed Darla just when she'd finally renounced it. And afterwards… 

Oh God… I hope there's no afterwards. 

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